I know I typically update on Saturday, but I was sick all day yesterday, and seriously slept nearly all day. I think I was only up for around 4-6 hours yesterday. It was good though.....my body needed it, and I have started feeling a little better today thankfully! Also, I knew that today would definitely be a day to write about! Got to see the nephew and celebrate Easter with the family (well, most of them anyway!).
Today, my family gathered around a table to eat lunch, we weren't all there, but it was still good. We were definitely missing Josh, Kelli, and Christopher Ryan, but we made the best of it. Krystal and mom made lunch, then Isaac had an Easter egg hunt! (I will have to add pictures later....apparently the internet hates the idea of pictures right now!)
After the Easter egg hunt, he went inside to get all of his Easter eggs opened and gone through! He also got his Easter basket! My mom has been making us Rice Crispie Easter baskets for as long as I can remember. From the time you are able to eat real food, you get an Easter basket made of rice crispies! I love it!
Despite being sick, and feeling like crud all day (well all weekend actually) it was a good visit home! I always love when I get to see the family and I am so excited that with only a month of school left, I will be home for good! I am so proud of myself for sticking with it and finishing, even when it got difficult! Now, my reward with be watching my niece grow up and not having to be around only in spurts like I was with Isaac these first couple years!
Today though, as I looked at my nephew, the gravity of what Jesus did really hit me. I began to look at him and how much hurt it would cause to lose him, and he is not even my child. I cannot even begin to imagine what God must have been feeling. Besides simply losing his child, he also had to turn His back on him when he needed Him the most. God cannot be in the presence of sin, and so I imagine the hardest thing for Him to do in all the history and future of time, was to turn His back on His one and only child. I mean, Isaac bonked his head today, and I scooped him right up and kissed his head to make it all better. I cannot even imagine having to turn my back on him for something even as simple as a bumped head. Let alone turn my back while he was being nailed to a cross to take the sins of a world that hated him! Anyway.....that was my food for thought today!
As for the rest of my weekend: I got very little accomplished that I set out to do. I planned on working on my Teacher Work Sample, didn't happen. Planned on writing lesson plans, also did not happen (but they were started and will get finished very soon). However, I feel like there are times in life, where you need to put some things on hold to take those opportunities that come few and far between. For me this weekend, it has meant resting and trying to get better, and cuddling up with my nephew to watch Thomas the Tank Engine. Those precious moments are moments that I know will start to fade all too soon, and let's face it. I would much rather remember cuddling with him, than working on my homework.....besides, it will get done.....it always does!
I shall update sometime in the near future regarding my dr. appointment tomorrow. Kind of relieved and kind of nervous, but I think it is getting to the point where surgery is going to become the only real option to determine what is wrong with me and to fix it......all I knwo for certain, is that I am in pain.....and I am ready to be done!
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Sunday, March 24, 2013
You are my steady in an ever changing world
So, I was talking to a friend today about how much my life has changed in just these last four years. I have lost friends I never thought I would lose, and gained friends that I never imagined the closeness we would have. So many memories and so many stupid mistakes. All in all, just different than what I had pictured it!
I planned on coming to HLG in hopes of getting an academic education. I planned on coming in as a business major, taking classes, leaving with a business degree and then moving on with my life, college a distant memory remembered only by the degree hanging on the wall. That was the plan. I knew I would make friends, but I was so convinced that I would not have a repeat of High School. The friends you have that you only keep to avoid the awkwardness of seeing them everyday, remembering what you once had.
However, I have never been really all that great at sticking to the plan! I typically have a rough idea, and then I end so far from it, that I wonder why I even bother to plan in the first place. It was evident to me that this was the way it was going to be when I walked into the lobby of the RFAC that registration day, and instead of walking over to the table with business professors, I ended up at the education table.....signing up for.....you guessed it....education classes! I decided that while this was not part of the plan, I would still stick to the rest of it....get in, get an education, get out.
However, if you know me at all.....that is totally NOT what happened. What I got in addition to an academic education was a world education. I learned two things pretty thoroughly! Life is about giving more when you feel like giving up, and that all that glitters is not gold!
Let me give you an example of this education:
Those in your life who promise to never hurt you, usually hurt you the worse! I haven't figured out if this is because of what they do, the fact that you had so much trust in your heart for them, or an extreme combination of the two!
This is Jessi Lynn and Shawncee. In high school, they were a strong part of the Fabulous Five. "The group" consisted of Jessi Lynn, Shawncee, Rachel, Jessi Michelle, and myself. We could always be found at each other's houses and we were never apart at school unless we were forced to be. We were obnoxious on the weekends, but for the most part we were well behaved, although outspoken, in the classroom. We kinds fell away after graduation, but then came back together about a year later. They were there for me through the whole first ex-boyfriend saga. Well, Jessi was, after giving me the "I told you so." that I deserved, but Shawncee took his side, and I am not so shallow that I won't talk to her or anything, she just doesn't talk to me, and I can't say it bothers me! I don't mean to sound terrible, but I feel like in life, as you get older, you are going to outgrow people and that is perfectly fine. I am not really sure what happened with Jessi. One day we were friends and then the next day we just weren't. Again, upward and forward. You become like the five people you spend the most time around.......choose wisely!
Ok, so apparently my Blogger does not like the next picture. At any rate. It was a picture of me and Fab Five member #3. Her name is Rachel, and her, Jessi Michelle, and I were probably the closest out of the five. Her and I have some awesome memories, from pillow talk about boys, future dreams, and biology (for some unknown reason, I felt the need to explain genetics to her at three in the morning), sharing a meal my parents cooked before senior prom, so many hair stylist sessions I lost count, riding horses, teaching me to shoot a bow and arrow, and laying out on the trampoline to watch a meteor shower out in the country where there were no city lights to screw everything up. She was my best friend, and I thought it would always be that way. I never knew how wrong I would be, and the hardest part is that while she hurt me in a way she knew would hurt the worst.....I still wonder about her, and sometimes actually worry about her. I wish that I could remember the awesome memories, and forget the worst one, but I can't. Again....upward and forward. I can't stay friends with someone who hurts me on purpose. No offense to her, I just can't.
This is Jessi Michelle, member #4. We grew apart for a really long time, and the last year or so, we have had our spurts of communication. Up until tonight, they had just been small talk, maybe some talk about relationships or things like that, but tonight it was different. Tonight it kind of felt like old times. I guess time heals all wounds, and slowly you begin to realize that even though the guy you liked fell for her.....you will be OK! That being said....that wasn't the only factor of our fall, but it did not help at all! I love her to death, and getting a message tonight that called me "momma Colee" was a nice reminder that we didn't grow apart nearly as much as I thought we had. I was actually talking to her about this exact topic this evening, and then decided to vent via blogger. Lucky you who are reading this! Her and I were talking about how she always said she would never get married, now here she is getting ready to celebrate her third anniversary. And then I used to say that I would fall in love, get married, graduate college, and start a family all by time I was 23. I don't know why I chose 23.....probably because as a 17 year old....20 seems FOREVER away, and so 23 seems like eternity! At this point in my life, I am sitting in a dorm room, 6 weeks away from college graduation....with no engagement ring, no near plan of children, and a broken heart from the only guy I ever thought I "loved." life is soooo not what I have planned. But as Jessi reminded me tonight "My life is nothing I had planned, but everything that God had planned for me! And I wouldn't give up what I have for anything!" That is so true and so wise. Thanks for the reminder Jess!
Now for college!
My friend circle has changed so much from that first day when I walked into college as a terrified freshman who had few friends here, and a friend group that consisted mostly of people my sister knew. I was best friends with my roommate, and up until recently, we still talked quite often. This is her and I one day in her car, getting ready to go to her house! We were so inseperable during New Student Orientation. She was my steady in the ever changing world that became college.
Next came rooming with my best friend at college, despite my sister's warning that it was a terrible idea. As Thanksgiving rolled around and we were still super close, I kept telling my sister she was wrong. Sometime within a year after this picture (we are mud fighting on the banks of the Mississippi River, btw), Rachel and I's relationship started to take a nose dive, and ended with a big explosive wreck.....no survivors! She came back her senior year and I danced around the edges of spending time with her and then she graduated. She came to visit a few times this year, I was cordial, but it definitely was not what it used to be. I have some of my best college memories with her that I would not trade for all the blueberry tea in China. If you know anything about my more recent obsessions.....Blueberry tea ranks right up there with Morgan from Criminal Minds!
As of right now, this is my group.....plus Jared, but he is newest member and I don't have any pics with him. Also, we don't have a picture with everyone, but that's ok! I make it work! I love this group and when we are snowed in tomorrow, I would love nothing more than to be snowed in with them! We are missing our hyperactive Aimee, but we are managing! I couldn't imagine life without these guys! WE find fun in everything. Although we are totally different, that is what makes us work. I mean, seriously, who wants a group of people they have everything in common with. They find my dislike of peanut butter weird, just like I find their desire to pay to dress up as anime characters weird. Come on though, why pay to do that, when you can just dress up for Halloween for free, plus have candy! From late night Wal-Mart runs, to CD that make me cry being slid under my door. These people have made college so much different than I ever pictured it in my entire life....in the best way possible! Seriously though, they are the cheese to my macaroni, the yin to my yang, and the steady to my ever changing world!
I planned on coming to HLG in hopes of getting an academic education. I planned on coming in as a business major, taking classes, leaving with a business degree and then moving on with my life, college a distant memory remembered only by the degree hanging on the wall. That was the plan. I knew I would make friends, but I was so convinced that I would not have a repeat of High School. The friends you have that you only keep to avoid the awkwardness of seeing them everyday, remembering what you once had.
However, I have never been really all that great at sticking to the plan! I typically have a rough idea, and then I end so far from it, that I wonder why I even bother to plan in the first place. It was evident to me that this was the way it was going to be when I walked into the lobby of the RFAC that registration day, and instead of walking over to the table with business professors, I ended up at the education table.....signing up for.....you guessed it....education classes! I decided that while this was not part of the plan, I would still stick to the rest of it....get in, get an education, get out.
However, if you know me at all.....that is totally NOT what happened. What I got in addition to an academic education was a world education. I learned two things pretty thoroughly! Life is about giving more when you feel like giving up, and that all that glitters is not gold!
Let me give you an example of this education:
Those in your life who promise to never hurt you, usually hurt you the worse! I haven't figured out if this is because of what they do, the fact that you had so much trust in your heart for them, or an extreme combination of the two!
This is Jessi Lynn and Shawncee. In high school, they were a strong part of the Fabulous Five. "The group" consisted of Jessi Lynn, Shawncee, Rachel, Jessi Michelle, and myself. We could always be found at each other's houses and we were never apart at school unless we were forced to be. We were obnoxious on the weekends, but for the most part we were well behaved, although outspoken, in the classroom. We kinds fell away after graduation, but then came back together about a year later. They were there for me through the whole first ex-boyfriend saga. Well, Jessi was, after giving me the "I told you so." that I deserved, but Shawncee took his side, and I am not so shallow that I won't talk to her or anything, she just doesn't talk to me, and I can't say it bothers me! I don't mean to sound terrible, but I feel like in life, as you get older, you are going to outgrow people and that is perfectly fine. I am not really sure what happened with Jessi. One day we were friends and then the next day we just weren't. Again, upward and forward. You become like the five people you spend the most time around.......choose wisely!
Ok, so apparently my Blogger does not like the next picture. At any rate. It was a picture of me and Fab Five member #3. Her name is Rachel, and her, Jessi Michelle, and I were probably the closest out of the five. Her and I have some awesome memories, from pillow talk about boys, future dreams, and biology (for some unknown reason, I felt the need to explain genetics to her at three in the morning), sharing a meal my parents cooked before senior prom, so many hair stylist sessions I lost count, riding horses, teaching me to shoot a bow and arrow, and laying out on the trampoline to watch a meteor shower out in the country where there were no city lights to screw everything up. She was my best friend, and I thought it would always be that way. I never knew how wrong I would be, and the hardest part is that while she hurt me in a way she knew would hurt the worst.....I still wonder about her, and sometimes actually worry about her. I wish that I could remember the awesome memories, and forget the worst one, but I can't. Again....upward and forward. I can't stay friends with someone who hurts me on purpose. No offense to her, I just can't.
This is Jessi Michelle, member #4. We grew apart for a really long time, and the last year or so, we have had our spurts of communication. Up until tonight, they had just been small talk, maybe some talk about relationships or things like that, but tonight it was different. Tonight it kind of felt like old times. I guess time heals all wounds, and slowly you begin to realize that even though the guy you liked fell for her.....you will be OK! That being said....that wasn't the only factor of our fall, but it did not help at all! I love her to death, and getting a message tonight that called me "momma Colee" was a nice reminder that we didn't grow apart nearly as much as I thought we had. I was actually talking to her about this exact topic this evening, and then decided to vent via blogger. Lucky you who are reading this! Her and I were talking about how she always said she would never get married, now here she is getting ready to celebrate her third anniversary. And then I used to say that I would fall in love, get married, graduate college, and start a family all by time I was 23. I don't know why I chose 23.....probably because as a 17 year old....20 seems FOREVER away, and so 23 seems like eternity! At this point in my life, I am sitting in a dorm room, 6 weeks away from college graduation....with no engagement ring, no near plan of children, and a broken heart from the only guy I ever thought I "loved." life is soooo not what I have planned. But as Jessi reminded me tonight "My life is nothing I had planned, but everything that God had planned for me! And I wouldn't give up what I have for anything!" That is so true and so wise. Thanks for the reminder Jess!
Now for college!
My friend circle has changed so much from that first day when I walked into college as a terrified freshman who had few friends here, and a friend group that consisted mostly of people my sister knew. I was best friends with my roommate, and up until recently, we still talked quite often. This is her and I one day in her car, getting ready to go to her house! We were so inseperable during New Student Orientation. She was my steady in the ever changing world that became college.
Next came rooming with my best friend at college, despite my sister's warning that it was a terrible idea. As Thanksgiving rolled around and we were still super close, I kept telling my sister she was wrong. Sometime within a year after this picture (we are mud fighting on the banks of the Mississippi River, btw), Rachel and I's relationship started to take a nose dive, and ended with a big explosive wreck.....no survivors! She came back her senior year and I danced around the edges of spending time with her and then she graduated. She came to visit a few times this year, I was cordial, but it definitely was not what it used to be. I have some of my best college memories with her that I would not trade for all the blueberry tea in China. If you know anything about my more recent obsessions.....Blueberry tea ranks right up there with Morgan from Criminal Minds!
As of right now, this is my group.....plus Jared, but he is newest member and I don't have any pics with him. Also, we don't have a picture with everyone, but that's ok! I make it work! I love this group and when we are snowed in tomorrow, I would love nothing more than to be snowed in with them! We are missing our hyperactive Aimee, but we are managing! I couldn't imagine life without these guys! WE find fun in everything. Although we are totally different, that is what makes us work. I mean, seriously, who wants a group of people they have everything in common with. They find my dislike of peanut butter weird, just like I find their desire to pay to dress up as anime characters weird. Come on though, why pay to do that, when you can just dress up for Halloween for free, plus have candy! From late night Wal-Mart runs, to CD that make me cry being slid under my door. These people have made college so much different than I ever pictured it in my entire life....in the best way possible! Seriously though, they are the cheese to my macaroni, the yin to my yang, and the steady to my ever changing world!
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Making Changes
This, is my friend Kathryn! She is the one that most of my friends call dad (long story), while they mainly call me mom! Anywho, she was awesome this weekend, well more than just this weekend, but this weekend, she helped me move my room all around! I really appreciated it, considering my foot never would have allowed me to do what it took to get everything moved! Now my room is all cozy and homey feeling! A HUGE THANKS to Kathryn for helping me this weekend!
Then, one of my besties, Amber, came over today and hung out with Kathryn and I. We went to lunch, dyed hair, did a mock prom style, and played Wii. It was a very fun, very productive day! I love weekends with these girls! Especially when those weekends do not involve having to hang out and write lesson plans all weekend! Got all of those things done this past week! Handed them to my teacher Friday morning. This means, I have some things to color this weekend, and things to assemble for examples.
In final weekend news, I also got my hair cut on Friday, and then colored it today. I got this picture after it got cut, I don't have one of the color yet, but it didn't really look a whole lot different. Enough to notice in person, hard to see in pictures and so far from drastic. That is good though, so it works! Not EXACTLY what I was going for, but definitely alright!
That is about all that my weekend held! Except, I also got snapchat, which I haven't decided yet if that is good or bad lol! Until next post, just remember: "It doesn't matter if the glass is half full, or half empty. Be grateful you have a glass and something to out in it!"
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Let's Talk Music!
Amazing video with a stunning message!
Everyone needs to watch this video! It is out out by two of the most amazing and talented Australians I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. I have gotten to see them live (a few times) and I have always dreaded the good-bye. These guys are quirky, and funny, and they have a genuine love for their fans! Whenever it's allowed, I imagine they stand in lines until every last autograph is signed, and every last picture is taken! I know that is how they were when I met them. My friend Amber and I helped them out at Winter Jam by handing out fliers and in turn, we got some one on one time with them away from the crowds to take a picture and have the opportunity to just talk. It was amazing! When they put this video out, I was at a point in life where I just really did not want to watch it (no offense guys), because I knew it would convict me, because I knew my love was NOWHERE near showing the proof of His love! However, when you spend all day with kids between 5 and 8, you become a person who loves A LOT more genuinely! Also, since I watched it early this evening, I have listened to the song like 10 times! Also, when I am lucky, it is playing on the radio on my way to work/student teaching. Luke and Joel, if you are reading this.....a few things: a) I miss you guys, b) my respect and honor bracelet unfortunately met an unfortunate end.....scissors:1, student: sitting at recess, and bracelet: 0 :(, c) this video was totally kick butt, and d) Joel, while I miss the curls...the new hair is growing on me.....although it really isn't new anymore, and I know you don't live life to please me, but thought I'd let you know anyway!
One of these days I will blog about Winter Jam last year and the craziness that led to a text message to mom at 1 in the morning saying "eating in a parking lot with 5 rockstars, don't let the tattoos fool you....they seem nice!" or something to that effect :) I don't know if I have ever told the story in it's entirety or not....if so, I will again!
Here is a picture of me and my friend Amber (not the one who wanted me to start blogging again....a different one) with Joel and Luke of For King and Country!
(I am in the black shirt and black plaid shorts)
Another great and powerful song!
Many people know that the last year or so has been really difficult for me and my family. This year, we lost my little baby cousin, and she was only 35 days old. She had awesome parents and a caring loving family, and so we could not even begin to fathom why the Lord took her. (Through this situation, we learned that roughly 75% of babies that enter hospitals in the shape that baby Hope was in, are that bad due to parental abuse and neglect!) We found that she had passed away because of a disease that attached to her brain and was destroying everything in it's path! Anyway, back to this song and the reason that it has been on repeat for roughly the last six and a half months.
My school every year, has a welcome week concert, and this year it was Remedy Drive. I feel like a hipster saying this, but I knew them before they were a big band! They came to play in a church back when their careers were first starting out with a band called Stellar Kart. I went to the concert as a helper, I helped set-up and tear down! This also meant the chance to talk to the guys after the concert. It didn't take long to get through the line though, because there were only about 80 or so people at this concert! We are talking way small! (I saw them my Freshman year of high school, so we are talking like 2005 or 2006 ish) Anyway, I got very excited to see that they were going to be the band at the concert. Due to having just had surgery, I debated whether or not I was going to the concert at all, but after I heard they had been booked and were our definite band, I made it a point to make sure I was in that concert, and as front row as possible. I ended up in the second row by choice......better picture taking opportunities. So there I was rocking out....in my walking boot! (pretty hardcore, right!) I decided this was exactly the distraction that I needed from the sad situation going on at home. Then, out of the blue, the tell us that they are going to mellow it out a little bit. They didn't use those exact words, but close enough. Anyway, they sang a song called "Follow Me" and I was nearly moved to tears. Thinking we were going to quickly go back to rocking out, I held the tears in the best I could, and only a few escaped. I recovered quickly and was back into the groove of rocking out and taking pictures. Afterwards, they signed autographs and took pictures with fans. Again, I hung around and reminisced about how my friend and I had a talk in the car about how awesome they were and about how one day, we would HAVE to go and see them again! Well, I bet her too it and I have pictures to prove it! Wearing the walking boot and all! :)
So now, round robin to how I got to this song. I was looking for their song, Lost Cause, and came across their whole album on Spotify! I got so very excited that I had found the song! Anyway, I figured that I loved their music a lot and so I would go ahead and add the whole CD, because I figured I would end up slowly falling in love with all the songs over time otherwise, may as well enjoy them all at once, right? So I add this CD, and listen to it for the next couple weeks, and fall more and more in love with this song called "God I Hope So." The song seemed to tell the exact story of my heart. The part that I could not put into words. The part of my heart that knew there was a reason for Hope being sick, I just didn't know what that reason was. At this point, she was still just sick, but hadn't passed away! I was looking for the beauty in this tragedy, but I couldn't find it! I still haven't found it! I listened to this song almost the whole three hour trip home, when I found out there was really no chance of survival and they were taking her off of life support. When I got home, we headed for Children's Mercy right away. It was all I could do to keep from breaking down in front of Hope's sister, three-year old Grace. The thing that got me through was to keep repeating, "maybe this is just the way it has to be, maybe there's a beauty in this tragedy, I don't know....but God I hope so!" The day came when little miss Hope breathed her last breath, and the 35 days of suffering ended. It was very bittersweet, part of me was happy that she wasn't in pain, part of me was angry at God for doing this to our family, part of me was scared for the babies that were going to be born in the future, the fear for the women in my family over getting pregnant, but the largest part of me was sad.....I just kept asking God, why. After the doctors told us what they believed was wrong with her, a large part of my heart began to feel thankful for the amount of time that we did get with her. Most babies with her condition are never carried to term, and so very little was known about what was wrong with her. I began to become very thankful for those 35 precious days we had with her, even if most were spent round the clock in the hospital if you were various family members, or spent at school worrying about her if you are me! That's 35 days more than most families get.
I got the pleasure of passing this song onto my family members, but I could not tell you if any of them have listened to it. Honestly, now that I put a lot of thought into it, I do not know that I even passed the link onto them in the midst of everything! I had thought about playing it at the funeral with the other music that was played before and after, but I felt that people needed to listen to it in their own time, and be able to really listen to it. It is so powerful and so healing. I for one, am so excited that I happened to stumble upon this song! For all I know, they may have sung it at the concert, for a bit, I was in my own mind having a much needed heart to heart with Jesus! :) always a good thing!
OK, that was deep! Music has that effect on me lol
Here is the pictorial proof that God crosses our paths with those who we need to see/hear EXACTLY when we need them!
and now I will leave you with this! For those people who ask why I love music, songs, and tunes so much......and pretty much quote them in daily conversations.....just remember "shouting the words to your favorite songs is cheaper than therapy!" and I would add that often times, it is just as effective! ( I got that off of a facebook thingy, just added my own thought to it!)
Everyone needs to watch this video! It is out out by two of the most amazing and talented Australians I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. I have gotten to see them live (a few times) and I have always dreaded the good-bye. These guys are quirky, and funny, and they have a genuine love for their fans! Whenever it's allowed, I imagine they stand in lines until every last autograph is signed, and every last picture is taken! I know that is how they were when I met them. My friend Amber and I helped them out at Winter Jam by handing out fliers and in turn, we got some one on one time with them away from the crowds to take a picture and have the opportunity to just talk. It was amazing! When they put this video out, I was at a point in life where I just really did not want to watch it (no offense guys), because I knew it would convict me, because I knew my love was NOWHERE near showing the proof of His love! However, when you spend all day with kids between 5 and 8, you become a person who loves A LOT more genuinely! Also, since I watched it early this evening, I have listened to the song like 10 times! Also, when I am lucky, it is playing on the radio on my way to work/student teaching. Luke and Joel, if you are reading this.....a few things: a) I miss you guys, b) my respect and honor bracelet unfortunately met an unfortunate end.....scissors:1, student: sitting at recess, and bracelet: 0 :(, c) this video was totally kick butt, and d) Joel, while I miss the curls...the new hair is growing on me.....although it really isn't new anymore, and I know you don't live life to please me, but thought I'd let you know anyway!
One of these days I will blog about Winter Jam last year and the craziness that led to a text message to mom at 1 in the morning saying "eating in a parking lot with 5 rockstars, don't let the tattoos fool you....they seem nice!" or something to that effect :) I don't know if I have ever told the story in it's entirety or not....if so, I will again!
Here is a picture of me and my friend Amber (not the one who wanted me to start blogging again....a different one) with Joel and Luke of For King and Country!
(I am in the black shirt and black plaid shorts)
Another great and powerful song!
Many people know that the last year or so has been really difficult for me and my family. This year, we lost my little baby cousin, and she was only 35 days old. She had awesome parents and a caring loving family, and so we could not even begin to fathom why the Lord took her. (Through this situation, we learned that roughly 75% of babies that enter hospitals in the shape that baby Hope was in, are that bad due to parental abuse and neglect!) We found that she had passed away because of a disease that attached to her brain and was destroying everything in it's path! Anyway, back to this song and the reason that it has been on repeat for roughly the last six and a half months.
My school every year, has a welcome week concert, and this year it was Remedy Drive. I feel like a hipster saying this, but I knew them before they were a big band! They came to play in a church back when their careers were first starting out with a band called Stellar Kart. I went to the concert as a helper, I helped set-up and tear down! This also meant the chance to talk to the guys after the concert. It didn't take long to get through the line though, because there were only about 80 or so people at this concert! We are talking way small! (I saw them my Freshman year of high school, so we are talking like 2005 or 2006 ish) Anyway, I got very excited to see that they were going to be the band at the concert. Due to having just had surgery, I debated whether or not I was going to the concert at all, but after I heard they had been booked and were our definite band, I made it a point to make sure I was in that concert, and as front row as possible. I ended up in the second row by choice......better picture taking opportunities. So there I was rocking out....in my walking boot! (pretty hardcore, right!) I decided this was exactly the distraction that I needed from the sad situation going on at home. Then, out of the blue, the tell us that they are going to mellow it out a little bit. They didn't use those exact words, but close enough. Anyway, they sang a song called "Follow Me" and I was nearly moved to tears. Thinking we were going to quickly go back to rocking out, I held the tears in the best I could, and only a few escaped. I recovered quickly and was back into the groove of rocking out and taking pictures. Afterwards, they signed autographs and took pictures with fans. Again, I hung around and reminisced about how my friend and I had a talk in the car about how awesome they were and about how one day, we would HAVE to go and see them again! Well, I bet her too it and I have pictures to prove it! Wearing the walking boot and all! :)
So now, round robin to how I got to this song. I was looking for their song, Lost Cause, and came across their whole album on Spotify! I got so very excited that I had found the song! Anyway, I figured that I loved their music a lot and so I would go ahead and add the whole CD, because I figured I would end up slowly falling in love with all the songs over time otherwise, may as well enjoy them all at once, right? So I add this CD, and listen to it for the next couple weeks, and fall more and more in love with this song called "God I Hope So." The song seemed to tell the exact story of my heart. The part that I could not put into words. The part of my heart that knew there was a reason for Hope being sick, I just didn't know what that reason was. At this point, she was still just sick, but hadn't passed away! I was looking for the beauty in this tragedy, but I couldn't find it! I still haven't found it! I listened to this song almost the whole three hour trip home, when I found out there was really no chance of survival and they were taking her off of life support. When I got home, we headed for Children's Mercy right away. It was all I could do to keep from breaking down in front of Hope's sister, three-year old Grace. The thing that got me through was to keep repeating, "maybe this is just the way it has to be, maybe there's a beauty in this tragedy, I don't know....but God I hope so!" The day came when little miss Hope breathed her last breath, and the 35 days of suffering ended. It was very bittersweet, part of me was happy that she wasn't in pain, part of me was angry at God for doing this to our family, part of me was scared for the babies that were going to be born in the future, the fear for the women in my family over getting pregnant, but the largest part of me was sad.....I just kept asking God, why. After the doctors told us what they believed was wrong with her, a large part of my heart began to feel thankful for the amount of time that we did get with her. Most babies with her condition are never carried to term, and so very little was known about what was wrong with her. I began to become very thankful for those 35 precious days we had with her, even if most were spent round the clock in the hospital if you were various family members, or spent at school worrying about her if you are me! That's 35 days more than most families get.
I got the pleasure of passing this song onto my family members, but I could not tell you if any of them have listened to it. Honestly, now that I put a lot of thought into it, I do not know that I even passed the link onto them in the midst of everything! I had thought about playing it at the funeral with the other music that was played before and after, but I felt that people needed to listen to it in their own time, and be able to really listen to it. It is so powerful and so healing. I for one, am so excited that I happened to stumble upon this song! For all I know, they may have sung it at the concert, for a bit, I was in my own mind having a much needed heart to heart with Jesus! :) always a good thing!
OK, that was deep! Music has that effect on me lol
Here is the pictorial proof that God crosses our paths with those who we need to see/hear EXACTLY when we need them!
and now I will leave you with this! For those people who ask why I love music, songs, and tunes so much......and pretty much quote them in daily conversations.....just remember "shouting the words to your favorite songs is cheaper than therapy!" and I would add that often times, it is just as effective! ( I got that off of a facebook thingy, just added my own thought to it!)
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Starting out strong!
OK, my friend Amber had this great idea to blog again.....I tried one time to make it 365 days blogging everyday, and after summer was over, I realized that my life gets so very boring. That being said, I am going to try to blog here AT LEAST once a week, some weeks it will be more. But, Saturday will be my day to blog, and so check in each Saturday, and see what has been going on in my week. With the exception of May 4th (college graduation day) I should be able to keep up! Enjoy!
I have sat all day and tried to come up with something that I felt would kick this blog off right! Finally, 11 PM and an idea finally hits me! I am students teaching and I am in my second placement right now! That being said, I have been a teacher to some of the funniest kids I have ever met!
First Placement:
1. There was a little guy in my first place who, when asked what he wanted to be, responded with "Miss Nicole's husband!"
2. One of my kids tried repeatedly to hook me up with his dad.
Second placement:
1. One of my little girls has told me repeatedly to "do this again with your face and hair!" I have not worn make-up, and my hair is generally pulled back. I don't know what I am supposed to do with my face that she seems to think is so pretty, but I found out this past week, that she loves when my hair is down!
I haven't been in my second placement long, and so I don't have many stories to tell yet, and there are probably a lot more with my first placement, I just cannot think of them at the moment!
On another note: I came across a quote yesterday or today (I can't remember) that really made me think and pretty well summed up my feelings about college: "the hardest part of accepting that 'everything happens for a reason' is trying to find that reason!" I got to thinking about all of the different things that have happened in college, and how I do believe that they are preparing me for later on in life, but nonetheless, college has been anything but enjoyable. to recap for you:
Freshman Year-
Gall Bladder surgery over Christmas Break
Masses in my small intestine second semester, that they still can't give an answer to
Sophomore Year-
Fell off the stage resulting in wearing a walking boot for 17 weeks
Isaac was born early, and spent 6 weeks in the NICU
Had my first accident :(
Junior Year-
Foot problems all year
Knee problems all year
Random foot swelling on Branson that led to three different braces for the foot and eventually....
Surgery 5 weeks before returning to school for my senior year
Senior Year-
returning on a newly recovered ankle
realizing I came back and I should not have, because I was not recovered totally
Hope passed away (35 days old)
Knee surgery
continuing to spend the full first semester in a walking boot
*keep in mind, this is all first semester thus far
10 year anniversary of grandma's murder
knee problems on the left side now
back pain
continued and more aggressive ankle pain
walking boot for the first 8 weeks of second semester
found out tonight that my Aunt Sharon passed away as well, but is in Montana and we will be unable to attend the funeral
all in all, it has been pretty terrible, but I realize that ti is all part of a grander picture, and that one day it will all make sense. I just need to remember to "trust in advance, what will only make sense in reverse!"
I have sat all day and tried to come up with something that I felt would kick this blog off right! Finally, 11 PM and an idea finally hits me! I am students teaching and I am in my second placement right now! That being said, I have been a teacher to some of the funniest kids I have ever met!
First Placement:
1. There was a little guy in my first place who, when asked what he wanted to be, responded with "Miss Nicole's husband!"
2. One of my kids tried repeatedly to hook me up with his dad.
Second placement:
1. One of my little girls has told me repeatedly to "do this again with your face and hair!" I have not worn make-up, and my hair is generally pulled back. I don't know what I am supposed to do with my face that she seems to think is so pretty, but I found out this past week, that she loves when my hair is down!
I haven't been in my second placement long, and so I don't have many stories to tell yet, and there are probably a lot more with my first placement, I just cannot think of them at the moment!
On another note: I came across a quote yesterday or today (I can't remember) that really made me think and pretty well summed up my feelings about college: "the hardest part of accepting that 'everything happens for a reason' is trying to find that reason!" I got to thinking about all of the different things that have happened in college, and how I do believe that they are preparing me for later on in life, but nonetheless, college has been anything but enjoyable. to recap for you:
Freshman Year-
Gall Bladder surgery over Christmas Break
Masses in my small intestine second semester, that they still can't give an answer to
Sophomore Year-
Fell off the stage resulting in wearing a walking boot for 17 weeks
Isaac was born early, and spent 6 weeks in the NICU
Had my first accident :(
Junior Year-
Foot problems all year
Knee problems all year
Random foot swelling on Branson that led to three different braces for the foot and eventually....
Surgery 5 weeks before returning to school for my senior year
Senior Year-
returning on a newly recovered ankle
realizing I came back and I should not have, because I was not recovered totally
Hope passed away (35 days old)
Knee surgery
continuing to spend the full first semester in a walking boot
*keep in mind, this is all first semester thus far
10 year anniversary of grandma's murder
knee problems on the left side now
back pain
continued and more aggressive ankle pain
walking boot for the first 8 weeks of second semester
found out tonight that my Aunt Sharon passed away as well, but is in Montana and we will be unable to attend the funeral
all in all, it has been pretty terrible, but I realize that ti is all part of a grander picture, and that one day it will all make sense. I just need to remember to "trust in advance, what will only make sense in reverse!"
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